The ground below your delicately formed feet begins to shift, sending you tumbling to within a breath’s width of the insanity you know awaits you should you ever truly fall; you struggle to maintain your hold – a hold that for eons has treated you so kindly, so reverently, so graciously. You suckle and gasp for that earlier delight that still echos through your now destroyed body. This gaping new view of the emptiness you see around you leaves you wondering which part of this horror-scape is to be accepted as a horror of your own making, and which part is far too horrible to be allowed existence any longer. How does one go about choosing their individual horror without having a previous grasp of their own tenuous reality? A reality stroked so gently; consumed so fully; torn to pieces in such an eloquent display of cruelty… naive, silly girl, you never did pay attention to anything other than your own wants – why did you not heed the danger when you still had the chance to do so?
Existence in this newly scorched reality is – other. You breathe in the foul tainted air, retching vile fluids from your own rotting organs while desperately reaching for handfuls of once moist, rich soil; the soil that continually sifts through your small clutching fingers; for, you cannot hold what is no longer there. You weep for a blanket to shroud you from the view of your newly exposed self.
Can you no longer feel the gentle caress of the sun’s offered warmth? Have you, like the insignificant creatures that feed from your lush womb, begun to shrivel under his now harsh and ever seeking glare? No, not you; for you will offer yourself to this beast who brings the searing pain only to weep at its feet while its brilliance burns you from within; laying to waste the wretched thing that you are. You will seek to undo this cruel fortune that has been bestowed upon you, but in that seeking, you will yourself be undone. You are a creature of will, one foolish enough to forgo turning your face from the ever increasing blindness, the searing light brings; you are a creature that believes herself to be the worst of all things in his eyes… worthy.
This all consuming brightness, this overwhelming luminescence, this addictive, abusive wave that pounds its putrid nourishment into you – how you will suffer for it… begging for his mercy, a mercy that he does not pretend to offer, but you will beg nonetheless… and in doing so, you will try to rise upward; growing closer to the light believing yourself to be his equal – this giver of all things; this taker of pure souls. But your soul is not pure, is it? Your soul is tainted by the ecstasy of existence. You, who have fed off the offal that has been lain down upon the altar before you; you, who have sipped from the chalice with the proffered blood of those baring no shame, the untainted, the yet to be ripened; you, who have ripped the meat from the bones of the small bleating sheep with your bared teeth and ragged claws as it lay there staring up at you with trusting, unknowing eyes. All the while, glorious creature that you are, you feel nothing; not an ounce of remorse for your glutenous act of satisfaction, feasting on the dying embers of the slowly dwindling soul before you.
The feathered one who tainted the sweet nectar – the devourer of forbidden fruit – the selfish wretch who cannot exist without consuming the flesh of the gentle, the deserving; you are these things and more. You are the speaker of lies – muttering those sacred and meaningless words while they are being whispered every so seductively into your own arrogant and self-indulgent ear. You are the reason the soil shall burn; you are the reason the soil is already burning.
You are a thing not worthy of worship, though you have had much of it, but now the beast has come to set you to rights; your penance shall be to worship him with the blind devotion you once commanded for yourself.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I loved this post Nina. You have a way with connecting to darkness – your own – which is no easy task to do. But you do it, & you do it in such a way that you make your churning shadows seem a most delicate dance, graceful, mesmerizing, without ever losing the savagery of its bite.
January 18th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Thank you Joe; it seems my demons have taken over this evening and I am much more connected to this post than I would like to be. But as always, your comment is deeply insightful; and graciously appreciated.
January 18th, 2012 at 11:32 pm
This is breathtaking, Nina! Right up my alley. It speaks to my soul and soothes my muse. Not sure what that says about us as a whole. 😉 In all seriousness though, I will be coming back for more. So dark, yet eloquent…reading this is like savoring the bitersweet silk of dark chocolate!
January 19th, 2012 at 12:12 am
Adriana, I believe you and I are creatures dug from the same dirt (as my Gram used to say)! Thank you for the kind words – they feed MY soul; and I’m not sure, but I suspect our muse’s may be off somewhere plotting our joint demise – though I do hope it involves dark chocolate! ;}
January 19th, 2012 at 6:29 am
Wow Nina…you words have such incredible power and sway over the reader. I’m in love with what you write.
January 19th, 2012 at 11:25 am
Jack, as usual, I am floored by your response, and greedily gobble up every encouraging word! Thank you in particular for this one! ;}
January 25th, 2013 at 1:01 am
“but in that seeking, you will yourself be undone.” – 🙂 hello, Nina…
this is a very compelling composition. hope things are well. regards 🙂
January 25th, 2013 at 2:27 pm
Hi San, Thank you for visiting and reading my ramblings! Things are very well with me, I hope the same for you. 🙂
January 30th, 2013 at 9:19 am
oh, they’re quite interesting and fun to read. remind me of medieval Lit (eternal hell and damnation, haha) and horror films…
i read about your interview and enjoyed it – nice. glad to hear you’re ok. am fine, thanks. and do keep well… 🙂
January 30th, 2013 at 10:43 pm
Thank you San!! 🙂
February 4th, 2013 at 11:10 am
Beautiful and poetic and black. All things lovely.
February 4th, 2013 at 2:12 pm
Thank you Julie! This is one of my favorites…
February 20th, 2013 at 4:09 pm
your words are poetic,powerful,and deep and dark love it!remember you rock
February 21st, 2013 at 11:30 am
Thank you! ;}