Bloodied by my own thoughts and that which rages within me, I suffocate in the nearness of my own mind as it ruthlessly brutalizes what some would consider a soul.
Living with such agony is now part of my nothingness; I cannot avoid the anguish that comes to me through doors that should be well sealed, shielded from such hated devastation. I beg this putrescence with which I exist for the briefest moment of solitude, longing to be unaware for an infinitesimal reprieve, yet it will never be granted.
I am fated to grasp that which I would avoid knowing. Trapped by what adores me with an innocence my very inhalation of breath betrays, longing all the while for an existence that remains lost to me. My mind is my confinement, escape a possibility that will shred all that I cherish.
All that I cherish… these words said with such conviction only prove me more the fool than I know myself to be. The jester’s role I choose willingly for the eternity that it shall be mine, as I would not wish its anguish nor bestow its grandeur upon another. What shines with blinding clarity from within gnaws its way toward the surface never to escape, ensuring my absolute isolation from the magnificence that would sing me to sleep and offer a world of brighter murkiness which dances just beyond my reach.
Torture, this is within my reach. It engulfs my entirety, dulling each glimpse of the gleam caught by another’s eye, muddying every surface that would shine as the me who might have been had I not been locked away in this dungeon of madness. The key to my lock? I see it. It is the most beautiful thing I have ever set my eye to. It is sentient – it knows of the sway it holds over me. Entranced, I watch it dangle and shimmy in a breeze born of the hollow cavern that was once a thing of childlike promise within me. Yet sway further away it does with each passing eon encapsulated within the fraction of a moment. One upon another these waves of time pound relentlessly against my consciousness. Each moment stretched into an infinity while watched from below.
Ahhh, from below – that is where it crouches, watching and waiting for a chance to slip my guard; a minuscule crevasse in the wall though which it can seep. This night I believe it has gained entry for the echo of silence is all too deafening to allow feigned ignorance the opportunity to shield the undeserving such as I. Quivering bravado the only weapon against this consuming hatred.
I hear the thunder begin to rumble, I feel it resonate through my damaged psyche, I sense what is coming. Alone I will face all there is to conquer, all there is to fear. Tonight, something of greater menace stalks through the shadows of this storm.
Nina D'Arcangela
Sotet Angyal 
July 11th, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Nina, for someone who literally radiates brightness and light, you must have a very tortured soul. 😉 Excellent job.
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July 11th, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Thank you Hunter!! I know I look and seem nothing like what is buried deep inside. My personality doesn’t reflect my writing, and THAT is a good thing!
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July 11th, 2012 at 4:11 pm
The reading gave me a very visceral reaction. Well done, my friend.
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July 11th, 2012 at 4:26 pm
Thank you Jerry – this one was very close to home for me.
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July 11th, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Nina, love. What can I say to you that hasn’t already been said? This is another brilliant piece of writing. So dark and tragic..another angst ridden song for the soul.
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July 12th, 2012 at 11:05 am
Thank you Adriana, you are truly a unique and gracious person – those who see the beauty wrung from pain always are.
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July 13th, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Nina, after awhile I simply run out of words to express how beautiful your muse truly is. You pull pain from the shadows and into the light; for most, they simply can’t or refuse to see it under the harsh glare of reality. But time and time again, you leave me riveted and coldly eviscerated. And for those who just don’t get it or think it’s a horrible thing, well, to me that means they simply haven’t lived and are out of touch with themselves. I’m so truly grateful to read what you choose to share.
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July 13th, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Transparency is only for those who care to look… and you always look beyond the simple words. Most would choose to bury what I spew, you are right about that. Thank you as always for your kind and thoughtful words. Not many people read my posts, but it’s fulfilling to know the one’s who do understand they come from someplace other than just my fingertips.
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August 7th, 2012 at 1:19 pm
ahh shades of Jekyll / Hyde
Just finished reading that masterpiece
you convey the conflict well
Thanks as well for your visits to my blog Nina they are as a refreshing breeze
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August 7th, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Thank you as well for popping by to have a gander and spreading your kind moondust here ;}
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