Stone fucking cold – an awareness that emanates from within. I’ve always believed the most grievous pain would come from what is held inside, from emotional wounds that take more than what forever is offering to heal; but no, I was wrong – the worst pain of all is being empty – drained, becoming a vacuous core, a dull resonating hollow that allows for nothing, not even the sting of its own frigid harshness.
What then remains?
The echo – that part remains. The thunderous slamming of logical thought, things I know to be true and by virtue of their own truth, to be right – just no longer right here.
The shadow – of what was conscious feeling, a memory… The memory of warmth, reaching out to it, grasping it; confusion at being sliced to ribbons on its brittle fractured edge, its tensile strength less than that of my own – for once I make contact with it, it can be nothing more than what I am; cold, empty, invisible, alone – the reality of full awareness.
The roar – perhaps the worst part of all, but no – the echo is the worst of it. Self-recrimination screaming in my head that this is my mind, my sacred territory, my imminent domain to control – well, my folly so it would seem. Comical, though I have no laughter to spare it in this moment, the thought that my own strength of will, my conscious pattern of thought exerted under strict control for so long – what I consider to be my euphemistic beating heart – would never grow cold. The mocking echo is utterly relentless.
I am a creature of science, one who ascribes to chaos theory – in chaos there is random order to be found that given enough time becomes specified; thus specified random order within chaos. Some would argue the merit of this statement to be the antithesis of chaos itself, simply order if it is to be qualified as specific; and order is not chaos. But if chaos creates order, and order forms pattern, is it not then a foregone conclusion that the rigid stricture of order will in all occurrences destroy the fluidity of chaos thereby no longer allowing for the existence of the chaos that created the order that formed the pattern that left me stone fucking cold?
Well, that’s a tough one to answer. I’ll opt to believe in chaos, in the randomness of the order and the disorder that it also brings. I’ll choose to feel the nothing that gnaws a pit through my existence as there is something worth feeling the nothing for. What that something is – left undefined.
It’s something that was created by chaos, and is being consumed by the stricture of random structure. It is a string that unifies me with a plane that is a more desired reality, a place where warmth still exists… where an echo is to be feared no more than a comforting howl carried along with the breeze.
– oh, by the way, welcome to my happily never after.
Nina D'Arcangela
Sotet Angyal 
September 26th, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Jeez, this is dark! But it does resonate and reminds me of Dexter. You ever watch that show?
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September 27th, 2012 at 7:56 pm
LOL – yes, I do watch Dexter… but that was probably the furthest thing from my mind when I spewed this little ditty. ;}
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September 27th, 2012 at 9:59 pm
Ah, but do you remember when he found that kid who murdered a man, then found out he was abused by him? Said kid told him he would do anything to feel something other than what he usually feels… nothing! And Dexter knew exactly what he meant? Remember that?
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September 28th, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Not particularly. I’ve been writing about nothingness, death, horror, horrific things, & Quantum Physics since I was 14 (I’m 43 now), I don’t think the idea was planted by a Dexter episode… LOL
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September 29th, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Well obviously you don’t need HIS help to be dark, milady. Good job too, I can always count on you to capture the essence of horror and death. Always brightens my day 😉
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September 29th, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Spanks ya 🙂
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September 26th, 2012 at 9:57 pm
Wow! This just about blew my mind. I stared at my beer and nearly wondered if I had mistakenly consumed something much stronger. This was Pink Floyd’s The Wall kind of stuff here. Very curious!
-Jimmy
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September 27th, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Please James, don’t let my delirium infect your beer! That would be a horrific shame. Sometimes my brain wanders if left unattended, what can I say. ;}
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September 27th, 2012 at 12:31 pm
This is dark…this is brilliant…and something I’m still trying to wrap my head around. How do you manage to suck your readers in like this time and time again, Nina?
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September 27th, 2012 at 8:02 pm
Thank you Joe, I don’t know about brilliant – this is my brain on a stroll. Free-flow writing that shoulda/coulda had a bit more polish before it hit the world… but – let’s all thank WP for publishing my draft! LOL Oh well… ;}
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September 27th, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Very well done, Nina. I love free-flowing thoughts, though yours look inifinitely better than mine.
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September 28th, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Thank you Jason! Free-flow is hard… my brain needs a leash! Aha! I think I’ve come to the right man… ;}
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October 3rd, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Congratulations! You’ve been nominated http://storiesbywilliams.com/2012/10/03/the-inspiring-blog-award/
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October 5th, 2012 at 8:08 pm
I greatly appreciate the honor Matt, thank you! When I find a free afternoon, I will do my best to appreciate it here on my blog as well! 🙂
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October 5th, 2012 at 8:07 am
Have you studied advanced physics or mediation? This post* blends quantum mechanics, existentialism, and the Buddhist idea of full awareness (quiet awakening). It is evocative and provocative and scary as hell.
Amazing.
*’Post’ is the wrong word. This is more like the breath coming straight out of a long-closed mausoleum. It feels like a trapped soul, but a very beautiful self-destructive soul.
-aniko
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October 5th, 2012 at 8:23 pm
Hi Aniko! Yes, I have actually studied quantum mechanics as well as physics in general (theoretical or otherwise) for quite a long time; and am ever a student of existentialism and the meditative arts, leaning heavily towards Buddhist/Taoist ideology – though not in strict form as I ascribe to no one doctrine in particular.
Thank you for the compliment – and your description of “breath coming straight out of a long-closed mausoleum” is beautiful, and most appropriate for this rumination! 🙂
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October 6th, 2012 at 9:40 am
Isn’t it lovely when all the threads of what interest us come together in one rush of prose? For me, that makes all the days of struggling to get just one sentence on the page worth it. You got one of those rushes in this post, wow!
I double-majored in physics and philosophy as an undergrad. I was never good enough at math to really pursue physics as a career, but I love the questions is raises. It is a beautiful subject, well suited to marriage with philosophy or even mysticism. As far as existentialism and meditation, I am most drawn to the philosophy of Buddhism, although I am not a Buddhist.
So glad to have met you, Nina!
-aniko
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October 6th, 2012 at 7:55 pm
A pleasure to have met you as well Aniko! I don’t run across many who pick up on my couched string references or planes of existence as scientific theory. It’s genuinely nice to know I’m managing to convey my thoughts to someone who appreciates the implication. As to the randomness of structure – I’ve been banging Chaos theory around for the last 30 years, it has kept me intrigued this long, I doubt I’ll loose my passion for it anytime soon!
I’m going to hop on my soapbox for a moment as the opportunity presents itself, and say that one of the things I do not appreciate about today’s world of accepted physics is the assumption that lack of evidence equals fact. Beyond that, it is all beautiful to me as well. Excellent fodder for a hungry mind, and an eager imagination!
And it is a wonderful thing when our interests collide and manage to cross paths in a way that makes some random sense. I tend to be a spur of the moment writer when it comes to my own ramblings, so when a thought crosses my mind (and there are always thoughts bouncing around in there), I sit and type or scribble on anything nearby. Be that good or bad, who knows – it just is what it is. Its a shame more people don’t see past their own barriers to a clearer acceptance. Thank you again for your appreciation of my writing! 🙂
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October 7th, 2012 at 9:03 am
Nina, hi –
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I am always pleased to find a blog where the author is not only interesting, but also willing to engage in genuine dialog. It makes this whole ‘internet’ thing worthwhile!
I love horror, but my second favorite genre is sci-fi. The problem with a lot of sci-fi is that the language doesn’t participate in the poetic and is as clunky as a 1950’s waffle iron. I love it when I find scientific ideas and modes of thought translated into something more lyrical. I realize that equations do that in the purest form for physics or chemistry, but equations don’t speak to a lot of people. It is a real gift to be able to take what was an equation and put it into words that aren’t, um, waffle irons! You have that gift.
A couple of works that I can think of that managed this are The Dreams in the Witch-House by HP Lovecraft and Einstein’s Dreams by Alan Lightman. Neither of those comes as close to being prose poetry as your post here does, but they are good reads.
I am not a random writer; I tend to get a story arc and then I am stuck on that until I get all the way through it. That was fine when all of my ideas were short stories, but it is a little more tiring with novels. I love the idea of “the spur of the moment writer” – and I’m happy you share some of what you write with all of us!
As for your soapbox, Wikipedia recently reminded me of this phrase: “absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”
-aniko
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October 25th, 2012 at 9:19 am
Oi! I just cannot write this type of deep and eery stuff. When I do, it reads like the bad opening line in an atrocious B grade horror movie. And it makes me snort snot bubbles, it is soooo bad.
As crap as I am feeling; no matter the depth of the despair and the lateness of the waking hour, I have trained, tricked and tortured myself to wearing my Happy Face every day.
Even if it is just for a few minutes…. sort of hope it will set the tone for the rest of the day?
Otherwise, I find myself rowing far out into the lake of self-pity. And that is a bad place to go to when, deep down, you know what you are capable of.
See what I meant about B grade melodrama …
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October 25th, 2012 at 8:21 pm
LOL – okay, yup I can see the melodrama… This was a free-flow thought ‘spew’ if you will. I just let my mind wander, and this is where it ended up. Fear not, I have a happy face, it’s my writing that tends to get a little dark, not my personality. 🙂
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October 26th, 2012 at 12:51 pm
i can see you have a happy face … a the specs add that dash of ‘intelligence’!
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October 26th, 2012 at 12:54 pm
A sprinkle of intelligence, and a smidge of optical correction! 😉
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