WARNING: If you are offended by foul language, please skip
the first piece and go to the second!
CAT5e
Fuck me, really? What’s wrong with these jack-off’s – can’t they ever get this shit right? Every fucking night I come in and it’s the same crap! The notification board is lighting up like a god damned Christmas Tree, the fucking alerts are blaring, one right after the other. Yeah – I know the fucking system is dying. I can see that, I’m working as fast as I can to fix the problem. Frigging software maggots, what the fuck makes them think they can build a damn machine, then implement it without even starting it up for a test run?
Seriously? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. The client specifically ordered hardware RAID on this system, and what do the fucking code monkeys do? They yank out the RAID controller cards and shove in these cheap-ass standard controllers so they can install software RAID. That’s it; I’ve had enough of this shit! I’m going to the server room to switch the machines back over to hardware RAID – fuck who ever doesn’t like it.
Alright, find the right rack, do it in sequence, and nothing else will go down. Bingo! There you are baby! Power down the first of the clustered machines; excellent – no problems. Yank it, replace the controller. Wait, what – fucking CAT5e? God damn it! We shouldn’t be running anything but CAT6 to this system! Fuck me! It’s gonna be a long night…
(and for the non-computer geek…)
Cat
“So how is it you think they stay upright on those things? They’re called legs like ours, right?” He asks, then shifts for a better view.
Sighing deeply, she reflects on how much stronger and aggressive he is than the other males, but that he is definitely lacking in the brains department. Ya can’t have it all, right? “Yes, they’re called legs. Beats me how they walk like that. I can only make about ten seconds at most, and that’s sitting back on my full feet, plus my butt. Standing upright on just my pads, either give me a doorknob or a counter to hold onto, or I’m face-planting after a count of two.”
Muffs glances over at her, “I hear ya, same with me.” Flipping onto all fours, he sits upright and starts bathing. “You think there’s a way we can get them to pick up a bigger bowl? You know, so we don’t have to wait so long if it goes empty during the night?”
“Goes empty?” Fluffer questions. She’s still lounging in the beam of sunlight, eyes squinted shut, trying to relax. “Honey, you say that like it magically happens out of the blue. You know your big round butt is the one making it ‘go empty’ at night. Have some dignity, will you?”
Muffs stops stroking his head and looks over at Fluffer. “Look, no need to be mean about it. I just meant…”
“Yeah, I know what you just meant. You just meant that your greedy belly wants more to eat.” Fluffer opens her eyes and slaps her tail down in challenge. “Did it ever occur to you that I might want more to eat, too?”
“Oh, here we go! You always take what I say and twist it around. Look, I meant it would be good for both of us.” By this point, he knows he should shut up, but just can’t make himself do it. “And so what if I eat a lot, I’m hungry at night. I don’t pick my way daintily through the pieces like you trying to decide which is the yummiest. They’re all freakin’ yummy! So don’t start with me!” He slaps his tail down hard in return.
Standing up and squaring off with Muffs, Fluffer flattens her ears and responds, “Are you slapping that tail at me, Mr. Furball?” A paw strikes out lightning fast and lands atop his head. “Maybe you better rethink that attitude, Chubs!”
Pissed and poofed, Muffs dives at her screaming, “Chubs! Who are you calling Chubs, you rat-eating, bunny-looking, white ball of fluff! Yeah I said it – fluff. Just like ‘Fluffer’, such a cute little name,” he mocks. “Too bad they don’t know what an evil bitch you really are.”
Rolling around on the floor, arms tangled, heads thrashing, jaws snapping, with unholy screeches emitting from their feline lips; they’re seriously going at it… At least that’s what it looks like to the woman who rushes in to break them up.
Fluffer, the squirrellier of the two, avoids capture. She tosses a look over her shoulder as she walks away with her tail in the air, “See what you did, you orange, mange covered, litter-stinking beast. Now she’s gonna have to check every inch of our bodies. Do you know how long it’s going to take me to lick that smell away? Forget it, not like your skunky butt would know what a real bath was anyway. Well, at least she got her hands on you first.”
Muffs really does look miserable. His arms held above his head, belly exposed, standing on tippy toes, eyes wide as saucers while the woman examines him. Fluffer giggles in satifaction, and says, “I’m going upstairs to lie down on the bed. And when she’s done putting her stanky-ass hands all over you, don’t you dare run your cat butt over to that bowl and comfort binge!”
© Copyright 2013 Nina D’Arcangela. All Rights Reserved.
I’m doing the 2013 Blogging from A to Z Challenge! Pop back everyday but Sunday through the month of April for a new letter prompt to spawn my deranged ramblings! ;}
April 3rd, 2013 at 6:18 am
glad you are doing the A to Z challenge Nina
Both are well written
Frenzy x2
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April 3rd, 2013 at 11:51 am
Thank you, Leslie! I’m switching things up a bit and only writing half of my posts in a morose tone 😉
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April 3rd, 2013 at 6:19 am
When I read the first title I thought “it couldn’t be about cable?” You got the tech swearing just right – that can only mean experience. Nice humor with the real cats. Showing us more of your gift!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 11:57 am
Hi Jerry…. the things you learn while reading what others write! Now why would it surprise you I would know what CAT5 is, and that I’d be on par with the level of sailor-speak needed to rival any tech? LOL
I have 3 cats currently, and often ‘dialogue’ with and among them.Odd as it seems, it’s actually very therapeutic to watch two of them interact and creatively narrate what might be going through their cat brains!
Thank you, Jerry!! Your comments are much appreciated 🙂
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April 7th, 2013 at 7:07 am
I continue to read your daily gems. Glad to see you stretching your wings, but regardless of the prompt, your writing flows and hits me like finding a beautiful painting in a gallery and just staring at it. I did think you ought to blend your ghoulish, erotic and techie mosed and have the main instrument be a Cat5-of-nine-tails with tentacles of blue, orange, green, brown and slate. 🙂
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April 7th, 2013 at 1:18 pm
I had considered that, but the ‘e’ would have gotten lost; plus my Cat ‘o Nine is black and blue only – a little flat on the color palate. 😉
Thank you, Jerry! I really do appreciate how kind and generous your compliments on my writing are. 🙂
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April 3rd, 2013 at 7:40 am
Very voicy. Just a word of caution– please put adult content warning on the top of your posts if you’re going to use adult words. Personally I have no problems with them, but some participants blog with kids hovering around them, and would appreciate the warning.
Damyanti@Amlokiblogs
Co-host, A to Z Challenge 2013
Twitter: @AprilA2Z
#atozchallenge
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:10 pm
Thank you for coming by and visiting my blog! There is a warning on my post – it’s the first two lines, bolded, and centered. Thank you for the advice – had I not already included a warning, I would have readily done so after reading your comment! 🙂
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April 3rd, 2013 at 9:15 am
As a tech geek I loved the first! As a man owned by cats I will nowgive them a wider berth and more deference. Oustanding work, Nina.
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:00 pm
What tech geek wouldn’t! It’s the bane of the tech world – hardware vs. software engineers. I loved the idea of a ‘married’ spat between two cats. Words twisted, insults tossed, one victorious, the other humiliated… call me crazy, but I love being owned by my furries too! 😉 Thanks Jason! And where have you been???
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April 9th, 2013 at 9:35 pm
My dearest Nina! I’ve been working overtime plus proofing my latest werewolf jaunt on top of fulfilling my role as dad and hubby. *woof* Am I tired. lol I have missed you! 🙂 How are you doing?
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April 10th, 2013 at 12:17 pm
Sounds like a hectic life – woofs back at’cha in support; that’s not an easy gig. Miss seeing you around too! I’m doing good. Things are crazy and hectic (as per usual), but I’d complain I was bored otherwise. 😉
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:24 pm
I’m just going to ‘LOL’ because you know I know – LOL!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:38 pm
Kitty-kitty, meow! 😉
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:33 pm
I enjoyed both of these but in my experience cats swear way more than tech heads.
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April 3rd, 2013 at 12:38 pm
LOL – Thank you! and your probably right! 😉
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April 3rd, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Oh to translate all those random meows to English. Although, often my cat’s communication is pretty clear.
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April 3rd, 2013 at 2:05 pm
LOL! Yes, it does often seem very clear what a particular ‘Meow’ is intended to convey! Thank you for stopping by to read my silly ramble! 🙂
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April 3rd, 2013 at 6:21 pm
Cats, HA! I enjoyed the humorous break from teaching middle school. In fact, I saw some of the behaviors you described in class today.
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April 3rd, 2013 at 7:20 pm
Yeah, I thought a ‘married’ cat spat would make a nice break from the heavier stuff. I don’t doubt you had the displeasure of witnessing clawing, gnashing and biting in a classroom! More power to you, and a ton of respect. Being a publisher is hard, but being a teacher is something I don’t think I could handle. Thanks Jana!!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 7:00 pm
Nina,
We’ve got three cats too. Plenty of inspiration for stories. Actually I’ve planned a cat conversation for one of my posts too. Funny how (desexed) cats are focussed on one thing alone: food. Great post. I enjoyed it!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 7:21 pm
Hi Sue! I can’t wait to read your cat convo! I really enjoyed writing mine. I love to give them human attributes. Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed it!!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 7:59 pm
I love the dialogue between the cats and the first gruff character you created…I didn’t get the computer lingo but I can tell it was well written. Great post!
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April 3rd, 2013 at 9:17 pm
Hi Jean! Thank you!! Both pieces were fun to write. The cat dialogue is quirky and off beat. The Computer Engineer spew is something that if you haven’t experienced the level of frustration between hardware and software engineers, or the need to keep 1000’s of servers juggling in the air at once, would be difficult to grasp. I hope the level of frustration at least bled through. Thank you for the visit, and the kind words! 🙂
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April 4th, 2013 at 1:05 pm
Both pieces are excellent! And now I know you’re definitely nuts! lol 😛
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April 4th, 2013 at 1:08 pm
LMAO – no bout a doubt it!! 😉
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April 8th, 2013 at 5:37 pm
Spoken with the true heart of an IT monster.
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April 9th, 2013 at 3:39 pm
Mini monster coming to get ya!! Plus the cats are devilish too… just by nature. 😀
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