Category Archives: darkness

Blinding Insanity

Slashed open in a fit of uncontrolled rage, my gouged and bleeding thigh is nothing but ravaged flesh; it is the thrill of his attention upon me that is beyond compare. As my blood races, he hears it pulse; as my body quivers, he feels it vibrate; as my mind screams, he hears it echo through his own damaged being. He is ever present – this beast, this creature, this untamed demon that stalks me.  Believing me to be no match for the power his darkness wields, he has been gentle with me till now, wishing not to frighten me with what he truly believes himself to be.

Clawed arm raised to strike again, his breathing is heavy, as labored as my own – his from restraint, mine from fear and desperate longing. He pauses, his hard stare boring into that of my own, gauging if I go willingly or as that of a cowering fool who knows nothing of what she asks of this dark madness. In his eyes I see a confusion of longing coupled with the enamored glee of wanting and the unsure knowledge that he has finally found what he has been seeking – acceptance.

This shatters the final piece of me.

My choice made, I bare my soul with complete submission in the hope of receiving his mark and my eternal salvation; the death of one dim existence, the birth of yet another. I sense still the indecision with which he watches me, unsure if this is to be allowed, or yet another cruel joke in a life fraught with pain, agony, and harsh deception. Do I genuinely offer what I promise? His eyes beg to know. This most gentle of beasts that shall rend me to pieces in a glory of blinding insanity.

His choice yet to be made, my only option to nurture it. I see what lurks behind his mask, I shall not shy away from it. I will forever choose to embrace it, though the beast believes it still hides itself behind his reflection.

For now, I shade the glistening pools that reflect all I see at the expense of my own damnation, for I wish only to belong to this coupling; though my wish is of little consequence, he’ll take what he will and leave the rest to rot in its own undignified remains.


Trust

I crouch cowering in the shadows of the barn. I should not be here. I was asked to stay away, yet I could not.

The unnatural sound of bones snapping, sinew tearing, and skin stretching is a thing so foreign that it rends my soul to shreds as I witness it, yet for all the breath left in me, I can not turn away from this creature I see.

I should have respected his wishes and not intruded upon his privacy – one that he has guarded so warily till this day. Trust is what I offered blindly for so long; now I see that my trust was both justly placed and unspeakably abused.

The depth of sorrow that emanates from the eyes that I have so often peered into is more than I can bear. I know now why he asked to own this anguish in solitude; I know now why he felt a need to protect me from the torture of his full nature; I know now the extent to which he wished to guard me.

He suffers more pain, my heart weeps. I reach out to touch him, he begs me to stay away with his agonizing gaze – so longing, so loving… so final.

Struck by a rising terror I’ve not felt before, my mind screams that he is no longer mine but belongs solely to the night. If only I had not violated our trust, we would have been as one forever.

Fully morphed he stands before me, yet I still see only him. He turns one final time – his eyes saying all his misshapen mouth is no longer capable of speaking.

A blink; he is gone.

Rushing forward I see all that remains of him torn and twisted upon a nail while I listen to his baleful cry carried upon the night’s harsh wind.


Your Call

Darkness surrounds me; my ever-present companion, both the bearer and child of my scorched and withered being.

Inky pools of lesser light that beckon for me to breach them. A soft subtle whisper of promised indulgence; the caress of a dank breath never to be drawn that tugs at my soul; the gentle rustlings of the unknown scuttling though my mind that speak of a dusky beauty – things that never were but should always have been.

Dare I step closer only to find myself enamored by the all consuming draw of your call? Do I finally release the pang that I have held so dear and tender to me these years gone by? Do I allow you to exist in the light or shall I surrender to the smothering depths of a mind already drowned in madness?

The pull of the shadows is such a thing of comfort as to blanket itself around me while it slowly suckles my very being into non-existence. But the exquisite embrace this lack of existence offers is such a supple and soothing one; to fade to obscurity, what a delight that would be, yet an injustice to all that you would have been. Year upon agonizing year I have listened to your call and let it go unanswered, keeping hidden the unbridled desire to glance upon the you that never was.

There may not be a path that leads back to the dimmer shallows once I allow myself this wanton freedom, though I do not know I would wish to seek one. My poor darling Angel who has lived in a trapped darkness for so long, will you no longer torture me if I allow this coupling its place, or will you still haunt every step I lay upon a ground you shall never touch, breathe the breadth you shall never have, feel and see the beauty that you can never know?


A glimpse inside….

A glimpse inside...How many of you would drive past and wonder… how many of you would wander up and  experience what might still be… how many of you would have the nerve it takes to approach a building that just growled at you?

How many of you would even know it was there?…

Every day, so many of us drive past a world that’s been forgotten; pushed to the side, not by land movers and bulldozers, but by a conscious will that wishes not to acknowledge what humanity is genuinely capable of.  So few ever take the time to notice what is around us.  Who lived there; what was that place; what happened inside those walls; what might still be happening in there now? Yes – now, at this very moment while we blissfully drive past listening to our iPod that’s been jacked into the satellite tracked, bluetooth enabled, DVD playing entertainment system in our overly priced vehicles, living in complete ignorance of the horrors that might have happened not 50 feet from where we’re sitting at any given moment?

Some of us take the time to stop and wonder, or wander up and have a look. Some see it through their naked eye as a blight by the roadside that will eventually be sold to a land developer and turned into condominiums – god forbid we leave one piece of history untouched, unpalatable as it may be.  Some see it as a mark of shame that in a less enlightened time, was considered the norm and was hushed up for the overall good.  While others of us look upon the remains of what was considered common place in a civilized environment with utter shock and dismay wondering how this could have ever been considered acceptable.

Being an UrbEx photographer, I have the rare and unique privileged to be among the few to not only see, but seek out such places.  Homes for the socially unacceptable; places where those who could not or would not be homogenized into the dictates of ‘modern day’ society were entombed; or places that no longer serve a purpose in our fast passed, disposable, gimme-gimie world.

This particular photo is from an ‘Institute for the Feeble Minded and Epileptic’.  The facility operated from the early 1900’s to the mid 1990’s when it was eventually shut down.  Whether due to a new overriding moral conscious or budgetary cuts, I do not yet know, but what I do know is that it is certainly a dark stain on the cloth of human compassion. While wandering through this marvelously preserved facility, one can’t help but wonder what kind of life those that were sent here were able to live.  The abandoned and overgrown playgrounds stands in stark contrast to the number of handicapped access ramps and signs of normalcy that could never be attained.  A child’s rocking horse (or lion in actuality) sits alone in a partially enclosed grass courtyard on a rusted spring – it’s once vibrant and alluring pink now faded to a dusty rose; the absence of debris surrounding it a sign that someone still pays attention.  What did the child who could only peer out the window at this playground toy feel? Did they ever see another child play on it, or was it put there by an architect to alleviate adult guilt and add a sense of normalcy to what was very obviously not a normal environment for a disadvantaged child to grow up in?   When one walks down these paths, it’s impossible not to feel the sorrow buried deep in the  bones of the buildings and the soil; a sorrow so overwhelming that it is near impossible to draw a full breath in some places.  This is a place that the undesirable were sent to live out their years; this is a place where bad things happened; this is a place that remembers its past, even if we choose not to.

Most of us would prefer to see places like this disappear; to hide the shame of what was once considered the humane way to deal with an unfortunate loved one.  I believe we owe a debt to those that were shunned and ill treated, locked away to hide the disgrace  of a child not perfectly formed; and if that disgrace chooses to grab a hold of us in a smothering grip and blight our perfect society – so be it. But do not look away; do not choose to ignore what was; do not think that you or I are any better than those who allowed these acts of egregious injustice to happen  just because we turn up the volume on the radio and glance away when caught at a red light near such a place.

In all fairness, the township in which this Institute is located has made a portion of the 200+ acre facility into a park and allowed nature to take it’s course.  I’ve not mentioned the name of the institute or its location as I would not wish to encourage the inexperienced to visit such a place unaware of the dangers involved.

This cemetery of graves marked only by numbers is hidden in the woods 2 miles from the complex that once housed these beautiful souls who were born different from ‘the normal’ child. If you take nothing away from this post; at least understand that even when this was considered a societal norm, the shame of hiding what was happening is evident in this chilling lonely patch of woods so far from where they experience their bleak existence.

Cemetery hidden 2 miles into the woods.

Cemetery of unnamed graves hidden 2 miles into the woods.